I can’t believe what I am about to type is actually describing events of my life. Reality really can be stranger than fiction.
So here’s the story.
Last night, after nearly losing a dart game to EvilE, and after consuming copious amounts of personality enhancing beverages, I found myself in the Pinellas Park Wal Mart shopping for clothing embossed with NASCAR logos.
I’ll pause for a moment as that settles into your consciousness.
At any rate . . . I was really disappointed that I forgot to bring my Wal Mart bingo card, or my list of “Fun things to do at Wal Mart.”
Below.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute
intervals throughout the day
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of
gift-wrap.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi. I haven’t seen you in so long.” etc. See if they play along.
Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store.
As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow, magic!”
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other aisles.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello”
upside down.
When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling “Red Rover.”
Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a
full-scale battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.
Take bets on the battle from above.
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies.”
Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
“Re-alphabetize” the CD’s.
In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, “No, no, its those voices again.”
Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don’t get out much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
